I just want to say sorry.
I haven't been keeping as good of a schedule on my work as I probably should. It just seems like everything is moving so slowly; school, work, my life in general. I've been writing (traditionally) to try and get back into the swing of things, I've even joined a writing club at my school. It just feels like there's so much pressure on my shoulders and I just want someone to help me lift the weight off.
My friend, Kierah, is trying to help me out by hooking me up with someone. I should feel so happy and grateful, and I am really, but I'm just really scared too. My last relationship wasn't the best at all and frankly I'm rather afraid to open my heart up again. Don't get me wrong, he's a really sweet guy, but I think for now it would be best to just be friends? Or at least until we get to know each other a lot better. I think I'm mostly concerned about how he'll perceive me, like I'm not the most prettiest or bodily fit person. I'm actually pretty much the opposite. This has made me incredibly worried, so many thoughts will go through my head; will he think I'm too chubby? What will he think of my self-harm scars?(which are now just thin lines scattered on my hips and thighs so don't worry) And will he accept me for me? I'm just really trying to figure out what I should say and how I should act around him. We have second period together, which is fitness walking, so I'm kind of always stuttering over my words when I try to talk to him...
My mother, who is highly religious (another reason I no longer live with her) heard from her husband (not my father) who heard from my uncle who heard from my aunt that I had a 'boyfriend'. Now, I think my uncle was merely kidding around when he told my mom's husband that I had a 'boyfriend' but my mother's husband has been known to take things incredibly seriously so he proceeded to tell my mom. She then called me and began yelling at me over the phone all sorts of questions about this guy that I barely know; does he go to church? Is he clean (meaning he doesn't do drugs)? Is he older than you? She just continued yelling all of these different things and questions at me without even giving me a chance to talk and it's really blown down my day...
In other news I was told, though it was most likely a joke, that if I keep a perfect score of 3.5 in school my uncle and aunt would buy me a car as well as allow me to get my licence. No grade, no driving. Knowing my uncle he's a big kidder sometimes, which means he's most likely only saying this in order for me to get good grades this year opposed to last year. Since next year will be my final year of school, I think he has failed to understand that even if I try as hard as I can most of my classes are extremely difficult. He even said so himself. So even by some god given miracle that I was to pass the 11th grade with flying colors, that doesn't even mean that he'd keep his word. But if he did...that car better be comin' in cherry red.
Another reason why getting me a car might be difficult is because I have an immense fear of driving now. I practiced a bit over the summer and nearly crashed over twenty times while being out on the open road. Who was in the passenger's seat? My mother. Who proceeded to 'encourage' me by yelling, screaming, and grabbing the steering wheel whenever I even so much as blinked. The fact that I no longer want to drive has yet to get into my aunt and uncle's heads.
I guess they've gotten tired of me actually doing my homework and staying inside all the time because they want me to actually go out and get a job. Now, before you start rolling you're eyes and calling me lazy, let's look at the statistics okay? I'm given around 4 to 6 hours of homework pretty much every other day. I have rather hard and stressful classes that need to have separate binders full of complicated notes in every single one. The teachers honestly don't understand how to explain half of the lesson correctly without looking it up on Google. If I was given a job that has me working 4 1/2 hours everyday for five days, which would roughly come out to a total of 22 hours since I'm closer to eighteen than sixteen, and combine that with 5 hours of homework that would basically give me 9.5 hours of work everyday (47 hours for five days). I have a feeling that my guardians, as well as parents, fail to recognize that an average teenager is supposed to sleep for a minimum of 7 to 8 hours and at least have a healthy social life as well as time to relax or even shower. If there are 24 hours in a day and 6 of those hours are put to the side for school and the other 9.5 are left out for work and homework then that would leave me with 8 1/2 hours to myself. Just enough time to sleep. Wow, how wonderful. I could be incredibly smart and have no social life or have a social life and fail school. There is so much that I could say to those who are like "But I have online school." or "But I'm too young to work!" Well this is what you get to look forward to younguns, this is what growing up looks like.
There's just a lot of tears, hate, and ugly hours.
Hasta La Pasta